Dear Abby,

Dear Abby,
My husband has a long record of money problems.
He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month,
if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money.
He says “pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest”,
but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.
Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us.
The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics
and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ,
and the next he's with Muslums.
Finally, the last straw…..

He's demanding that before anyone can
be in the same room with him,
they must sign a loyalty oath.
It's just so horribly creepy!
Can you help?

Signed,   Lost in DC
_______________________________

Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle!!   You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
The rest of us are stuck with him for two more years!

The Magic Trick

  A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so
the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and
began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he
started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!"
or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all
the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the
middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went
on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the f------ship?"

Christmas 2010

Nancy Pelosi, Bless her heart!

Poor thing! How is she going to make it now that she lost her super powers? As we say in Texas, Bless Her Heart!


Mango

Garbage Trucks

 

Law of The Garbage Truck

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport.

We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. 

My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches!

The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. 

My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy --and I mean, he was really friendly.  

So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!' 

This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of The Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks.

They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.

As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you.

Don't take it personally.

Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.

Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. 

Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.

So -- Love the people who treat you right.

Pray for the ones who don't.
Life is 10 percent what you MAKE IT and 90 percent how you TAKE IT!
Have a Garbage-Free Day!

More Signs and Sayings

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

**************************

  In a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

On a Plumber's  truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

**************************

On a Church's Bill board:

'7 days without God makes one weak.'

**************************

At a Tire Store 

'Invite us to your next blowout..'

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shorts.'

**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push..'

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff.'

**************************

On a Fence:

'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

**************************

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

**************************

In a Vets waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

RADIATOR SHOP:

'Best place in town to take a leak.'

**********************

Sign on the back of yet another

Septic Tank Truck:

'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'

Prayer

Cowboy Poetry

Jake, the rancher, went one day
To fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty
And the clouds rolled gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in
And gathered tools to go,
The temperature had fallen,
And snow began to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup,
He felt a heavy heart.
From the sound of that ignition
He knew it wouldn't start.

So Jake did what most of us
Would do if we were there.
He humbly bowed his balding head
And sent aloft a prayer.

As he turned the key the last time,
He softly cursed his luck
They found him three days later,
Frozen stiff in that old truck.

Now Jake had been around in life
And done his share of roaming.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked --
It looked just like Wyoming !

Of all the saints in Heaven,
His favorite was St. Peter .
So they sat and talked a minute or two,
Or maybe it was three.
Nobody was keeping' score --
In Heaven, time is free.

'I've always heard,' Jake said to Pete ,
'that God will answer prayers,
But the one time I asked for help,
Well, he just wasn't there.'

'Does God answer prayers of some,
And ignore the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square --
I know all men are brothers.'

'Or does he randomly reply,
Without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day,
The weather or the season.'

'Now I ain't trying to act smart,
It's just the way I feel.
And I was wondering', could you tell me
What the heck's the deal?!'

Peter listened very patiently
And when Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition,
And he said, 'So, you're the one!!'

That day your truck, it wouldn't start,
And you sent your prayer a flying,
You gave us all a real bad time,
With hundreds of us trying.'

'A thousand angels rushed,
To check the status of your file,
But you know, Jake , we hadn't heard
From you in quite a while.'

'And though all prayers are answered,
And God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice,
And started a truck in Minnesota '!

IT'S  BEST  TO  KEEP  I N  TOUCH...